Romney haggles with ADT rep after loss

by Mike - November 13th, 2012

More than voters lost out on election night, apparently Mitt Romney fleeced his local ADT alarm representative. Brian Goldstein of ADT, said he received a bad check from Governor Romney and was told “Don’t be such a Jew about it, now Toby will show you out”  The former Massachusettes Governor did not feel the need to honor a three hundred dollar check for replacing an electric panel in Mitt and Ann’s 78 room early winter home.  Toby, whom Mitt referred to, real name Kenneth McGuire, told press that “Mitt just doesn’t understand he is being racist, you see, he was born with Mormonism, but he is a good guy at heart.”

When pressed to know if Mitt had ever cancelled one of his paychecks, Kenneth responded,

You really think I’d let that Cracka Motha-[expletive deleted] call me Toby if he wasn’t come off the Benjies, [expletive-deleted], my old friends call me Uncle Tom, me and Beyonce laugh that [expletive-deleted] off all the way to the bank, in my Bently motha-[expletive deleted].

Asked to comment, Mitt Romney replied

I have never intentionally been racist towards any peoples, whether chuckers of spears, nor the race that does my yard work, its on the tip of my tongue, they are a funny talking peoples..  Nevertheless, whether your ancestors picked my cotton, or you personally pick my strawberries and vegetables, and cleaned my pool, or one one your “brothers” did, I just want it to be clear, I have nothing against any darkies, you all have your place here in America!

Mormons, known to wear magic underwear to protect against the darker skinned races witchcraft, are sometimes known to exhibit small outward racist comments without being aware.  No one will forget Mitt’s response in the early Republican debates, when asked why he had once stated that he did not believe in negroes as a child, and thought they were like the other make-believe monsters he saw on television, he stated that there were no Mormon negroes.  When corrected by Bryant Gumbel that blacks had been in fact allowed for almost 50 years now to become Mormons, and supposedly twice as long according to their by-laws and dogmas,  Mitt stormed off stage barely able to contain himself, muttering about how “someones gonna pay”.

 

“Facts” you may Not Know About the Candidates

by admin - November 2nd, 2012

Willard “Mitt” Romney

  • Favorite Food: Rice Cakes
  • Favorite Song: Friday, by Rebecca Black
  • Favorite Color: White
  • Earned the nickname “Mitt” while in prison.  Because, cellmate Tito said, “he fits just like a baseball glove”
  • Has experience running companies into the ground and receiving large government bailouts to keep afloat.
  • Is one of the 47% who does not pay taxes in this country.
  • Plans to downsize the United States by declaring everyone south of the Mason-Dixon Line “Mexican” and deporting them.

 

Barrack “Barry” Obama

  • Favorite Food: Most days, Kalua pork, which in his opinion proves he is both Hawaiian and non-Muslim.  But he won’t eat it on the High Holies.
  • Favorite Song: also Friday, by Rebecca Black, surprisingly.
  • Favorite Color: Green.
  • Earned the nickname Barry, because you can’t really go by “Barrack” in America unless you run a convenient store or drive a taxi.
  • Claims to be African-American, but is alleged to be an African from America by some and an American from Africa by others.
  • Plans to take as much of your money as he can before leaving office, even your change, and dispensing it to his inner friends circle who can’t seem to keep their businesses afloat without it ( now known as “the Bush Doctrine” ).

Ray “Tasty-Face” Poppo Says “This is nothing new to me”

by admin - June 7th, 2012

Ray Poppo, known as “Tasty Face” to his friends and family says he has had a life long struggle with being just too damn sweet.

Ray "Tasty Face" Poppo

This is what Ray "Tasty Face" Poppo looked like last week. Ray says he is just too damn sweet!

Since Childhood, Ray has dealt with people trying to snag a bite of his face, which is considered a delicacy in Japan.  Ray can’t remember the first time someone took a bite off the front of his noggin.  He has lived in 16 states in just the last two years, spending his entire fortune trying to escape the face chewing mobs he describes as “insatiable and chompy”.

 

Tasty Face Ray, this week.

"Artists" depiction of what Tasty Face Ray will look like after surgery, the damage hardly even noticeable.

 

“I suppose,” Ray laments, “when you’ve got a face this tasty, you just can’t get away from it.”

America’s Favorite Lesbian Couple a Fraud?

by admin - May 29th, 2012

In the midst of the gay rights movement, could one half of America’s favorite lesbian couple be a man?  Dawg is not the first celebrity to face these accusations, she joins the ranks of celebrities such as Jamie Lee Curtis, Chaz Bono, and Lady Gaga.

If the rumors turn out to be true, retribution from the Gay and Lesbian community will likely be swift and bloody.

Glenn Beck Expected to Announce Presidential Run

by admin - June 29th, 2011

Glenn Beck will be leaving Fox News Thursday, and according to insiders, will be announcing his bid for the presidency on his final show. “No one knows anything about this yet, Glenn has been keeping this a tighter secret than his second and third wives”.
An unnamed Beck insider

BP Campaign Cost Money but Convinces Many

by admin - June 21st, 2011

The public relations costs surrounding the Gulf Oil Spill are mounting, leading BP executives to ponder whether actually attempting to clean the spill may have cost less. The strategy taken was to let the region suffer financially for some time, and then to step in and offer money to those willing to sign away rights to future law suits, which will save BP billions as the long term health effects begin to manifest. Paying people to stand around in white suits seemed to help also, for a time.
While the string of natural disasters across the world drew attention away from Gulf, BP’s luck is running thin. Statistics show that it is at least three times more expensive to convince Americans that the region is clean when there is still all that oil laying around. It has become less noticeable, as much of the oil has dissolved into the white sands to create a mottled brown mess which contrasts less with the brown balls of dispersant that wash ashore. But BP feels that it can do even more!
Paying shills to make commercials declaring the beaches clean is an important part of silencing the voices of those in the affected area. An unexpected, but nevertheless welcome “silencing of voices” also comes from a side effect of the dispersant chemicals which has been dissolving the esophagus of individuals who actually believe that Gulf Seafood is safe, and consume it. Commenting on the issue, a BP spokesman stated “We nearly have Americans convinced that we actually did something about the spill, and that is important, those hicks down there weren’t as easy to convince as we had hoped, but I think we’re making progress, the rest of America forgot about it already I’m sure”.
Oil company profits have been skyrocketing, re-assuring investors who had been led to believe that the Obama administration might favor them less than the Bush administration did. As one investor, whose clients include the fathers of both George W Bush and Osama Bin Laden, stated: “We knew what was up when Halliburton got the no-bid cleanup contracts, we were safe, it’s just like Bush had turned black or something”. Halliburton, who has had to change their name several times because of PR was estimated to have failed on more than 70% of their contracted duties in Iraq, and is looking to increase that by 25% on Gulf Oil Cleanup, which has investors believing that this will be a good presidency for them. This would have theoretically led to an all-time high earnings day, had people known what ticker to look for on the market this week.
As one Halliburton executive bragged, “this will be a great job for us, I can all but guarantee our employees won’t ride around HERE shooting people from a truck, or raping children as they do in Iraq, you wouldn’t believe the cost of keeping THAT out of the news!”

Neutering Net Neutrality

by admin - May 17th, 2011

Meredith Atwell Baker being hired by Comcast is just one more step away from net neutrality and toward an Internet which will one day be just as educational and informative as cable television. By far, the biggest problem on the Internet today is that there are too many opinions and interpretations of the facts. This, along with the ability to instantly research the facts pertaining to any given story, place the responsibility of decision making on the end-user, who is inarguably less equipped to deal with choice than a highly trained network executive.

Meredith Attwell Baker


Baker is a diligent employee, as can be shown from the fact that she returned to work to vote on the Comcast / NBC merger so soon after incurring a back-injury from picking up an extremely heavy bag of money someone inadvertently dropped on her front doorstep.

First Images of Seal Team with Body of Osama Bin Laden

by admin - May 16th, 2011

Recently leaked photos show what experts might agree appears to be a team of seals posing next to the body of Osama Bin Laden and then performing a traditional Islamic burial at sea. At the time of press release, the seals in the images have not been identified.

 

Unnamed Seal Lying with Osama Bin Laden

 

Traditional Islamic Sea Burial Performed by Seals

 

So-Called Artist’s depiction of Osama Bin Laden Before and After:

 

Obama Administration Vows To End Hunger In America

by admin - January 20th, 2011

Building upon the success of the “People’s Protection and Affordable Care Act” or PPACA, Barack Obama announced his new plan to end hunger in the United States. The “Supper-Care Act of Mercy” or SCAM, as it is known, legislates that Americans will be required to spend at least $5000 per year at participating McDonald’s and Olive Garden Restaurants. Optionally a U.S. Citizen can pay an I.R.S fine of $3500.
“This is a huge step for the United States – the only logical conclusion is that all hunger in America will be completely eradicated by 2014″ – Barack Obama

Palin’s “Politician Assassination Covenant” uncovered.

by admin - January 9th, 2011

Hacked again!
Discovered in Palin’s AOL email account:

Preliminary Target List

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