Illegal Immigrant is Hate Speech

by admin - December 31st, 2010

A compassionate move in America has created a new slot in the dictionary of political correctness. The term “Illegal Immigrant” has been found to be offensive, particularly among those immigrants who have arrived in this country through other-than-legal means.
The rush of lexicographers submitting less offensive euphemisms has understandably overwhelmed the secret societies controlling the media, which require a two-thirds majority to move forward on any one term. Two of these groups, the Illuminati and the Jews have began posting temporary positions on Craigslist to deal with the large influx. Though last week, Rabbi Kissinger, who asked that his name not be used, stated two of the key requirements for joining, genital mutilation, and pork avoidance have had an adverse impact on the numbers of applicants for the position.
Some of the possible replacement terms being bandied about:

  • Unwelcome Nation-Guests
  • Alien Invaders
  • Legally-Impaired Foreigners
  • Illegitimate Residents
  • Economic Burdens
  • Cheap Workers

TSA “Happy Trails” Policy May Meet Sticky Ending

by admin - December 9th, 2010

A new service provided by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is coming under scrutiny from lawmakers. The policy, aimed at easing the tension of fliers while producing an additional revenue source for the TSA offers a “happy ending” to the “enhanced pat-down” for an additional $50 fee. Officials of the administration admit that it has caused delays at security gates nationwide but claim the smiles on traveler’s faces make it all worthwhile in the end.

The Additionally-Enhanced Pat-Down, as it is officially known is the natural evolution of the procedure we’ve all come to love this holiday season, in which the agent slowly runs his hand up and down the recipient’s inner thigh, massaging the penis or vagina before inserting their hands into the clients pants to give a few final caresses to the shaft or labia. Needless to say, a lot of fliers had been building up unreleased tension prior to travel, actually making the airways arguably less safe, due to the number of passengers “all dressed up with nowhere to go”.

It would seem then that this was a stroking of genius. Opponents in congress, however, argue that paying a TSA Agent $50 for a hand-job at the airport would erode the time-honored tradition of initiating a freebee by playing footsie with a stranger under the stall in the airport bathroom.

Alternatively, a flier has the option of passing through a RapeScan machine which sends out invisible radiation to take x-ray images of the person’s body completely naked. Mike Chertoff, chief promoter of the RapeScan Corporation, said the machines are selling as fast as they can make them, mostly due to legislation proposed and advocated by former Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. The vast amounts of penetrating radiation worry some micro-wavees, regarding this alternative, but it has been a month now since they began testing these machines on humans, and none of the hundred-thousand plus passengers who have passed through these machine have legally associated their recent tumors with the devices yet.

Plans for future versions of Rapescanners are proposed which may incorporate methods for detecting weapons and explosives, in addition to taking pictures of people naked, an idea which could prove handy at airline terminals, though the technology to accomplish this may be 10 years off. “I’m happy making 300k a pop off these things as is, they’re pretty useless unless you’re a peeping-tom perv, and I take home a million on a dozen sales” bragged Chertoff.

Bankers in Need, Americans Unite!

by admin - December 21st, 2009

The Holiday Season is a time for giving. It is a time to remember those of us in need. Let us not forget the outpouring of charity in 2008, when the bank’s mismanagement of money led to some of the worst bonuses in history, and how quickly we united to take all of the extra money we weren’t using to make this season more profitable for them. Even now, after a year of giving and giving, many of the top executives are only making 11 digit bonuses this year.
We thought dumping vast sums of cash on them would alleviate our woes. It made so much sense at the time, they were so poor at handling the money they had accumulated, we had to give them all of ours to make them feel better. We couldn’t give the money to poor people, they wouldn’t know what to do with it. They would probably squander it on food and housing, and have nothing to show for it besides a meal and a roof over their heads. No, only one group of people in America would even know how to spend it: the Bankers.

By handing it over to the bankers at the top, we assured ourselves that they would be taken care of. We even said we’d forego oversight and look the other way while they spent it. But it has been a year now, and they’re running out of money again. Now, we all know how easy it is to spend a trillion dollars and not notice, so the bankers obviously shouldn’t be held accountable, but we’re going to have to come up with a few more trillion for the upcoming year, or these guys are going to have to choose between a ski chalet OR a summer home being added to their extensive real estate portfolios. Let’s face it, no one wants that.

Our president is acutely aware of their comparative need, assigning only about 30 million to help home buyers who fell victim to the economy, while setting aside nearly 3 quarters of a trillion for banks to be able to adequately compensate our banking community. This represents a sharp change from Bush-era economics, where only a measly half trillion was allotted to banks. So lets open our pocketbooks to a new year, live on the street if we must, but not let even one failed bank CEO go without the 12 digit bonuses he deserves!

and be grateful for our leadership! Thanks for the change Obama!

When Pig Flu? Scientists Locate Source

by admin - November 28th, 2009

Schweinn Flug

Nazi Mutant Pig Bird Person

Scientists think they have traced this recent outbreak of H1N1 virus, or “Swine flu” to its source. The breakthrough came while sequencing the RNA structure for the virus. Surprisingly, human, bird, and pig dna were included in the sequence they found which could only indicate one thing: pigbird people.

Any one who can remember high school histroy will recall the “Schweinn Flug”, Hitler’s secret experiment to create a warrior race of pig-bird hybrids to torment the pork-fearing Jewish people. Fewer people are aware that American scientists have been attempting to create an anti-Muslim version for battling terrorism in the middle east. The new pig-bird people were going to be an update to the WWII era genetic tampering of Nazi scientists. They new race would fly 30% faster than the originals from the addition of osprey DNA. Wolverine genes would give it long retractable claws and the allele sequence from a rare type of garden tomato would allow it to shoot laser beams from its eyes.

Unfortunately, all of the pigbird babies have been prone to illness, and the few that have grown to adulthood are breeding grounds for hyper-mutant, antibiotic resistant, chronic terminal super-diseases. As one would expect of scientist playing God, it seems they have unleashed a Pandora’s Box of Epidemics, or Pandemic for short. Scientists say there is probably no need to worry about this disease destroying 90% of human life on Earth, leaving the few survivors to be killed and eaten by flying razor clawed pig mutants as had been predicted by the CDC, and AMA only one week ago. Though precautions should still be taken.

What can you do? Health officials say to wash your hands after using the bathroom or petting pigbirds. Not petting pigbirds at all could reduce your chances further. Also, a pocket full of truffles can be handy when bargaining for your life from our new pigbird overlords.

Christians Boycott School

by admin - October 26th, 2009

An ever growing minority of fundamental Christians, that is Christians who actually believe what is written in the Bible, are threatening to continue not being educated.  While the majority are already under-educated, religious leaders are admonishing them to abandon education in its entirety.

The difference in opinion seems to revolve around teaching accepted theory as fact, where it is in disagreement with the irrefutable word of God.

Modern science, in its rush to explain the world we live in, has come under fire by many church groups, with theories that partially, or in some cases, completely refute the scripture, and make the baby Jesus cry.

The Bible clearly teaches that the earth is at the center of the universe, is a flat and unmoving square, and is held aloft in the sky by angels, and has been this way for the entire 6000 years since the universe was created, in its present form, by God.

Scientists, and others destined to burn in hell forever, have made claims to the contrary of several of these points,  often without citing a single biblical source for their knowledge, and usually with only empirical evidence to back up their claims.

This heresy, which can be traced back as far as Galileo, has incensed religious leaders, whose clients often eschew science and testable knowledge, and they are firing back with a vengeance.  No longer are they willing to watch their pews empty due to an increase in rational thought, they have called for a boycott of all institutions that require books or literacy, starting immediately.

Originally the boycott made an exception for one book, the Bible itself, until it was found that reading it was three times more likely to turn away Christians as any other book.

Apple Creates a Dozen New Jobs

by admin - April 29th, 2009

Apple Computers has been first runner up in the pay-for-play OS market for some time, and if you don’t know their key to success, it can be summed up in two words: Steve Jobs.

Prior to the iMac in 1998, the home computer was only a tool for productivity or a platform for video games. Steve Jobs made it a fashion accessory. Cool people could finally join the ranks of technology enthusiasts.

There were mp3 players before the iPod, there were smaller players that held more music and cost a fraction of the price. But there wasn’t an mp3 player the size of a Walkman that said “I’m young and hip” before the iPod.

The iPhone was another rounding success. Earlier cell phones were focused on making phone calls, and sending and receiving text messages. The iPhone took it to a new level. Just having one made you cool. Typing wasn’t as easy as on a Blackberry, but you could buy an app that let you take out your aggression by shaking an infant to death. That and their sleek design made them an instant hit.

But Apple’s brainchild has fallen ill. Without Jobs, the company stands very little chance in the growing jungle of competition that is the personal computer marketplace. Enter the iClone.

Twelve new Jobs have been created so far, in the hopes that one will grow to adulthood and be able to think up new ways to market upcoming Apple branded technology. An iClone is similar to a regular clone, but is far more fashionable and costs 2 to 3 times as much.

Tweat War: Twits vs. Twats

by admin - April 23rd, 2009

Technology/Web-Able Twitterers, or Twats for short, are typically a young hip crowd, but it appears they don’t have a monopoly on the web anymore. Now, it seems, technologically ignorant public figures are finding they can exploit this market niche by hiring ghost twitterers to man their digital soapbox for them. These new Technology/Web Ignorant Twitterers, or Twits as they are known, are gaining ground on the pop culture site.

Twats have been twittering since it became the popular thing to do in 2008. You can’t check your daily news feed without reading about twats like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, but did you know that Karl Rove, the brains behind the Bush Administration, is a twit? Oprah, a late adopter may prove to be the biggest twit of all.

Twats and twits have obvious differences, but what similarities can you find between an ignorant old twit like John McCain and a a pretty young twat like Tila Tequila? For starters both have thoughts that never exceed 140 characters. Which is just as well, because both seem to have trouble getting people to care about their opinions for more than a sentence or two at a time.

An over-estimation of their own self seems to be a common thread. Twits and twats usually feel they have something important to say, when in fact they do not. Also of note, both have plenty of spare time and one or more thumbs.

Facts

  1. Technologically savvy, “twats” flocked to twitter when it became cool in 2008.
  2. Inept, but nonetheless opinionated, “twits” flocked to the site late to reach new demographics.
  3. Tweat-reading fans are often called “tweens”.

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