I don’t like to brag, but as a semi-amateur open mic comic, I am pretty certain I know comedy better than you do. I know, you want to be considered among the greats, like Carrot Top and Carlos Mencia, but slow your roll! Because you aren’t going to get anywhere unless you do precisely what I say! So without further doodoo, here are the 7 steadfast and unchangeable rules of humor:
- 1) The best place to get surefire jokes is other comedians sets. A good rule of thumb is, if someone else gets laughs doing a joke, you should also do that joke, at a later date. If anyone asks, claim you thought of that in the 90s. Alternatively, you can do it in your set right after the person, but attempt to improve on it, and be sure to tell the person “you can use that!” If the improvement is good enough, offer it up while they are still on the mic, both the comedian and the crowd will appreciate it. Remember this is what the crowd is for!
- 2) Props and/or puppets. I cannot stress this enough, props, puppets, sight gags, funny voices, exploding fruit, as a comedian, these are all tools in your arsenal. Jokes are okay, for starting out – but when you are ready to bring your act to the next level, its going to be a good idea to invest in a steamer trunk or two.
- 3) Speaking of steamers, if you aren’t comically advanced advanced enough yet to get to props and puppets, and you’re still relying on jokes – shit jokes are the way to go. If there is one thing that I know about an audience, its that they like to hear about your asshole and what comes out f it. Jokes about your dick are funny, but only men can tell them, and so we shouldn’t as it may offend some of our more liberal audience members, which leads into the next rule:
- 4) Never offend the audience. They came to your show to laugh at shit jokes, not to be offended by comments about racial stereotypes, or to be converted to atheism by your logical arguments against god. Stick to shit jokes.
- 5) Party stories. If jokes aren’t your thing, how about a long rambling story about some party you went to? End it by telling the audience how awesome it was, and how funny that would have been if they were there. That way they know. For bonus points on this one, make it a party at some famous persons house, everyone will think you are awesome funny if they think you know Jay-Z.
- 6) Sex jokes. Especially if you are a guy. Everyone wants to hear about your latest conquest, that is why they came out to the comedy night, right? Make sure to tell everyone how hot she was, assuming of course she just happens to not be there that night. Go into detail on stage about your prowess as a lover. If you are too hideous for the story to be believable, just say it happened a long time ago, no one else knows you’ve been that ugly for ever.
- 7) Never go unnoticed at the show, even if you don’t currently have the mic in your hand, this doesn’t mean you aren’t a comedian. People expect funny. If you know the other comedians punchline, shout it out right before they get to it, not only is it hilarious, but they will appreciate the help. They will also appreciate any constructive criticism you have for them, even if it is something as simple as booing their cornier jokes. Insulting the other comics, and their jokes throughout your own act is another way to stand out at the show!
If you follow these simple tips, there is absolutely 100% chance you will make it, guaranteed. Anyone who argues against any of these doesn’t know comedy, and will probably end up a washed out road comic.