Associative Press TSA "Happy Trails" Policy May Meet Sticky Ending - Associative Press

By Gar Harris
December 9th, 2010


A new service provided by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is coming under scrutiny from lawmakers. The policy, aimed at easing the tension of fliers while producing an additional revenue source for the TSA offers a “happy ending” to the “enhanced pat-down” for an additional $50 fee. Officials of the administration admit that it has caused delays at security gates nationwide but claim the smiles on traveler’s faces make it all worthwhile in the end.

The Additionally-Enhanced Pat-Down, as it is officially known is the natural evolution of the procedure we’ve all come to love this holiday season, in which the agent slowly runs his hand up and down the recipient’s inner thigh, massaging the penis or vagina before inserting their hands into the clients pants to give a few final caresses to the shaft or labia. Needless to say, a lot of fliers had been building up unreleased tension prior to travel, actually making the airways arguably less safe, due to the number of passengers “all dressed up with nowhere to go”.

It would seem then that this was a stroking of genius. Opponents in congress, however, argue that paying a TSA Agent $50 for a hand-job at the airport would erode the time-honored tradition of initiating a freebee by playing footsie with a stranger under the stall in the airport bathroom.

Alternatively, a flier has the option of passing through a RapeScan machine which sends out invisible radiation to take x-ray images of the person’s body completely naked. Mike Chertoff, chief promoter of the RapeScan Corporation, said the machines are selling as fast as they can make them, mostly due to legislation proposed and advocated by former Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. The vast amounts of penetrating radiation worry some micro-wavees, regarding this alternative, but it has been a month now since they began testing these machines on humans, and none of the hundred-thousand plus passengers who have passed through these machine have legally associated their recent tumors with the devices yet.

Plans for future versions of Rapescanners are proposed which may incorporate methods for detecting weapons and explosives, in addition to taking pictures of people naked, an idea which could prove handy at airline terminals, though the technology to accomplish this may be 10 years off. “I’m happy making 300k a pop off these things as is, they’re pretty useless unless you’re a peeping-tom perv, and I take home a million on a dozen sales” bragged Chertoff.

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