Scientists think they have traced this recent outbreak of H1N1 virus, or “Swine flu” to its source. The breakthrough came while sequencing the RNA structure for the virus. Surprisingly, human, bird, and pig dna were included in the sequence they found which could only indicate one thing: pigbird people.
Any one who can remember high school histroy will recall the “Schweinn Flug”, Hitler’s secret experiment to create a warrior race of pig-bird hybrids to torment the pork-fearing Jewish people. Fewer people are aware that American scientists have been attempting to create an anti-Muslim version for battling terrorism in the middle east. The new pig-bird people were going to be an update to the WWII era genetic tampering of Nazi scientists. They new race would fly 30% faster than the originals from the addition of osprey DNA. Wolverine genes would give it long retractable claws and the allele sequence from a rare type of garden tomato would allow it to shoot laser beams from its eyes.
Unfortunately, all of the pigbird babies have been prone to illness, and the few that have grown to adulthood are breeding grounds for hyper-mutant, antibiotic resistant, chronic terminal super-diseases. As one would expect of scientist playing God, it seems they have unleashed a Pandora’s Box of Epidemics, or Pandemic for short. Scientists say there is probably no need to worry about this disease destroying 90% of human life on Earth, leaving the few survivors to be killed and eaten by flying razor clawed pig mutants as had been predicted by the CDC, and AMA only one week ago. Though precautions should still be taken.
What can you do? Health officials say to wash your hands after using the bathroom or petting pigbirds. Not petting pigbirds at all could reduce your chances further. Also, a pocket full of truffles can be handy when bargaining for your life from our new pigbird overlords.